-I wanted to transition -in spite of the fact -that I knew -that it could cost -my relationship.

-I knew it was a risk -all along, -but I really wanted -to become -the woman that I envisioned -for myself -while I still had time.

-The show costs a dollar -if you want to stay so.

-Cycling for me these days -when my body feels lithe -and good and strong -and I'm expressing myself -as who I am.

-There's a state of flow -and a little bit -of desperation, -a little bit of danger -and a little bit of action.

-But it's a little bit of -drama.

-Bike race -has all of those things.

-And all of these things -help the -rest of the world fall away.

-Bringing everything -I can to bear on the event -helps -me live fully in the moment.

-The race requires -you bring everything -to the table.

-I have known that -I am a woman -since I was age 11 or so.

-I can't overload it.

-Otherwise the tractor -becomes imbalanced -and difficult to handle.

-Like me.

-Been wrestling with -the queen, if you please.

-Who recognize with all that -dirt on her knees.

-I also knew that -I would be ostracized.

-Punished.

-And I didn't know -if I would be able to live -with my family anymore.

-I was convinced that -I would never come out -or transition.

-I didn't feel like -I'd be able to have a job -as a transgender woman.

-At the time, I was serving -in the military.

-I would have been -discharged dishonorably.

-I didn't have the confidence -in myself -to pass as a woman.

I felt that it would end my marriage.

-Follow.

-Your command.

-Pull up.

-I knew what I really wanted, -and I was very disconnected -from myself.

-Different kinds of food -for different -kind of cats.

-A delicious mixture -coming together here.

-I am.

-Hey.

How do you.

Hi, Roxy.

-Hey, there.

-Thank you.

Happy spring.

-The cycling community -has been -a strong, incredible place -of support for me.

-And it's played a role in -supporting and uplifting me.

-I've come to depend -on my friends -and family -in the cycling community.

Cycling for me, when all the stars align -and everything's -going very well.

-Nice weather.

-Good group of friends -is pure joy.

-The contours of the earth.

The colors.

Seeing my world -and taking it in.

-From a place of joy.

-Movement and pure pleasure.

-She single handedly -introduced me to the women's -writing community -and sucked me in.

-I wouldn't have the same passion or love of writing -that I do today -if it weren't for Roxy.

-There's nothing like it -in the world.

-Being in the back roads -or on trail.

-And it's beautiful.

-I have experienced -gravel riding -in a very physical -and spiritual way.

-With gravel biking.

-I immediately have a sense -of accomplishment.

It's ok, I don't know what it was -like for her at first, -when she was riding -as a trans woman, -exploring -gravel or fourth class.

-You could be alone -for a really long time -and at the mercy -of whoever passes you.

-Even here in Vermont.

-Yeah, she's really brave.

-I have owned bicycle -continuously -since I can remember.

-I used my bicycle to travel -between my home and -my grandfather's dairy farm, explore the woods and trails nearby.

-When I got back from -the Iraq war, -cycling did become -a bigger thing in my life.

-My friends were getting into -mountain bikes.

-It was scary at first, -but it was a lot of fun.

-I felt like freedom.

-I really liked how you could -see these rather remote places.

-If they had dirt roads -or class 4 roads and you could protect -yourself -very far on a gravel -bike further than you could -on a mountain bike.

Gravel cycling events were coming online and I was heqring about things -like the Vermont Overland.

-And I was drawn -to the appeal -of being in community -as well as testing myself.

I wanted to see where I could go with that and whether or not I could achieve a level of performance that would put me closer -to some of these -great cyclists I knew.

And being there, I could be in that world.

You can hope.

-Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

-This summer I'm planning on -doing about nine bike races -that are leading up -to the Vermont Overland.

Gravel season begins with Muddy Onion, -Ross Batisah, -and those are pretty much -survival mode events.

You could see you're getting really high in the climb.

-This leads you up -to the top of the climbing.

-Kind of so tricky.

Wow.

-They ramp up in intensity.

-The distances get longer, -the hills can get steeper.

-It's a place to push myself -to my limits.

-It's going to be half way -through your ride.

-Yeah, yeah, -that's going to be -very demanding right there.

-Yeah, it's a big section.

-I have something to prove.

-I need to show up as -the best version of myself -when I'm exhausted.

-!For the people around me, becaus -The Vermont Overland -is the grand finale, -as we call it, a race of -the Vermont gravel season.

-And it's one of the biggest -challenges -you will face on a bicycle -ever.

-Anywhere.

-When you have five, six, -seven hours on the bike -to think about, to let all the things that creep up that can get -you can really -become a beast and take you -to a dark place.

-Controlling your attitude, -keeping race focused for -that amount of time -is a real challenge, and -I don't always do it well.

I've definitely caught myself -drifting off race focused.

-It's like your mind's -trying to protect itself -from the sheer, grueling -nature of the contest and that's part of the challenge I like about gravel -bike racing.

-You've got to have race -focus -for an incredibly long time.

Over the years, I've watched Vermont change -and in wonderment.

-Particularly in County, -has become -much more accepting of LGBTQ -folks.

-The tone -and the mood brought in -by new people, opportunities -and ideas -has definitely cultivated -a sea change.

-Some people -I've referred to it -as the transgender -tipping point.

-I was seeing -more information -about transgender -people in the media -and seeing that -it was possible to come out.

-Getting to know -some transgender folks -at various levels, -and seeing local people -come out and be brave.

-We all.

-The stakes for those people -who either are -or feel stuck in -the closet are very high.

-I have had instances -in the past -where I press the muzzle -of that pistol -against my temple myself -and come close.

-I wanted to have that -feminine expression -of my personality -that I was denied.

-Finally, -I came out in October -of 2018 and began -my transition.

-The early season events -like Muddy Onion -remind you how hard gravel -bike racing is, -because you can -tell yourself -and you can write a plan -all you want.

-But when you're in -the moment, -your body has -that experience.

-And it's -that's very important.

-For.

You.

-I am a woman -and I just want to be -my true self.

-It is important for me -to race in that category -and be recognized -by my peers for what I am.

-Roxanne being visible -in the cycling space -as a trans woman -and being very out -and open with her experience -is super beneficial -to other trans athletes -who are either younger -or don't feel comfortable -being out in that space -because you can't -see it unless you see it.

-Roxy just being involved -and just being there -and being like, I'm -a trans person and I'm here.

-I'm here to compete, -I belong here.

-It forces other people -to position themselves -as an ally or not.

She's having a good time and people are rallying around her as another trans person, be like, this is an -opportunity for me.

-A place where -I can also exist and thrive.

-When I felt safe -enough to come out, -I made the decision that -I would be all or nothing -because I know that -there are other trans folks -who are hiding because -they don't feel safe.

-Maybe they don't have -the advantages of living -in a rather liberal state.

-Being a transgender athlete -means that I'm being visible -and doing my best, -living my best life.

-Sharing -my joy with my community.

-And.

Wondering.

-I have a -sheet -I fill out after most races.

-Like maybe these tires -didn't perform as well -as I'd hoped, or they did.

-I also write down if things went very well.

What equipment went well?

-What I feel like -I need to do better.

-Like, I'm dying two thirds of the way through the climb, -and I just can't keep -the person in front of me -and say -little reminders I get, because there's a thousand things that come together -to make these races.

-Feel good or not, -lose the extra weight of -10 pounds heavier this year.

-And I felt -that on the climbs.

-You know what they say -about that.

-But I get lighter.

-Get a lighter bike.

-I like to I like to, -gauge -my gauge, the quality, -the quality of a race.

-But the amount of candy -that they have.

-Oh, right.

-Yeah, of course, of course.

-It's quality sugar.

write that down.

-Yeah.

Good -candy at the water stops.

-Okay, maybe when I'm one day -in the nursing home, -I can look these things over -and, -tell her and look at the -girls to climb that berm.

-I held the queue -for ten minutes.

-Yeah.

-After the muddy onion, -I definitely was -not where I wanted to be.

-I knew that I had a hole -in my performance, -and I needed to do -a lot of work to catch up.

-And I wasn't physically -or mentally there.

-I couldn't see you.

-I see you in the.

-I sure will.

Yes.

When she came out.

-it was kind of sudden -and, unexpected.

-So that was a little -difficult for my wife.

-And I had to, handle.

-We did not know of anybody -that had gone -through that situation.

-And, yeah, it made us feel -a little cut off.

-And surprised.

-I guess, would be the word.

-I personally sat down with -Roxy and discussed it -and told him that, I was, -not real happy about it, -but I would accept it -because I loved him.

-My wife, had a difficult -time with it, and she -didn't want to talk about it -for quite a while.

-When I was growing up, -the only person that I knew -that was gay -was one of the other -high school, members.

-And at that time, -those people weren't -treated very well.

-Roxy grew up in an era where -it was probably -still pretty discriminatory.

-It would have been difficult -to come out in Vermont -20, 30 years ago.

-It's becoming -a lot more accepted now.

-They acted -as though I had done this -horrible thing.

-My mother pushed me away -when I tried to hug her.

-They were upset, -angry, and hurt -as though it were some kind -of reflection -on them.

-Growing up in the -1980s and 1990s, trans folk -were portrayed very -negatively in the media.

-And so I had those messages -as well as hearing -my parents.

-Speak about, you know, -LGBTQ folks -very negatively in our home.

-So I internalized -a great deal of transphobia.

-In July of 1987.

-My brother -died from a drug overdose.

-And that was -very hard on my family -and created, -a real difficult situation -that was never coped -with properly.

-My brother was bumping -against -legal entanglements -at the time before his death.

-And one of the things -I'll never forget.

-My mother said.

-She said -at least he's not in prison -being f****d by queers.

-And so death was better than -some scenario -where he would be involved -in gay sex.

-When my brother died, -I was 19 years old.

-The grief around his death -did push -my internal femininity -to the side.

-I thought I would lose -the love of my parents, -which is why -I hid this so long.

-I felt often -like I was struggling -to fit into this game.

That life hands you wanting to be something you're not, or needing to -fit in -and play by the rules.

-Thinking -that I wouldn't have -the ability, -the means, the skills.

Having lived so long as not my true self.

-I learned to become -quite detached from myself, my true feelings, my desires -and the needs of my spirit.

But I pushed myself to just adapt to -any situation, to adapt to -the hell that I lived in -and how that was about -my own creation -to some degree.

-And looking back on the last -time is an absolute tragedy -for me.

-I served in the Vermont Army -National Guard -as a military mountaineer, -and I received orders -to deploy to Iraq in -2005, 2006.

-I saw the madness of war -and the absolute absence -of meaning.

During the Iraq War, my level of anxiety -remained so high and so -tense that it broke.

When I can't be active or be on my bike -as much, -my anxiety starts -lying to me.

-And it's very hard -to convince your body -and brain that it is a lie.

-Then you turn left -onto Pinkham Hill -and that is the soul killer -because it feels like -it's over.

-It's relentless, -and it's got a couple -of false summits in there, -and there's a need, -whether it's route -reconnaissance, -whether it's organizing -groups, -but whether it's doing -the actual mechanics -with the bike.

-I think that all that -organization helps her -to make sense of herself -and the world should be.

-I've watched her -go through the training and -get ready for races, both -physically and mentally.

-But you also have to believe -you can do it.

-On some level, -you have to be like, -I can take on this challenge -and I'm ready for it -and I can do it.

-Historically, -I started to cramp -around this area right -there, 40 miles, right?

-Yeah.

-When I do it too.

Right.

-A little -bit sooner if it's warmer.

-She teaches and she learns.

-There's that idea -of reciprocity for her.

-And then -the weather pattern is pretty stable.

-If this forecast holds -I'm going to say we'll start -in the 3738 degrees -in spite of what that says.

-Yeah.

-By the time we're done -it might be 6061.

-Her friendships -within the community -have helped her -gain a sense of self and a -sense of self esteem -and a sense of purpose.

-They're all the same.

-Yeah.

The actual race.

-It's almost like a cover up -for what -she truly gets from biking.

Schoolhouse raod, Yeah.

Got it.

Yeah.

-And that's a 42.

-I'm pretty smoke by then.

-Yep.

And.

-The rest.

-Petite -says a race held around -!Burke Mountain in the northeast -There are -versions of the race -that are 100km.

-There's a 60 kilometer race, -and there are 25 kilometer -versions -or several versions of race.

-But it's a race -that can be attended by -around -a thousand competitors.

-So I asked me, how are you -using it for you -to stay up to see you?

-Well, -there are so many barriers -for trans -athletes in cycling -and other sports.

-We have, as a country, -never paid so much attention -to trans people -and in a negative sense.

-And so there's a lot -at stake for trans athletes.

-I wonder how things line up.

-The governing bodies -of sports are pushing -to exclude trans women, -at least from the women's -category, -where they should be able -to be racing -and feel like they belong, -but they don't.

-Even though Vermont is, -I feel a really welcoming -and open space in a lot of -races and organizers and -businesses are our allies.

-But the umbrella -organizations are not.

I just wanted to give a few thanks.

Thanks to Rescue Pizza -for creating this space -for us to come together -as a community.

The overland and or SBT -to are not sanctioned.

So you can just let people be where they want to be -right now.

So.

I think there's a lot happening right now that will speak -to the future about -where we as trans people -or queer people, where -allies want to put our time -and energy -and and money.

-And socks for you.

-Queen size.

Yeah.

-Queen size.

Yes.

Okay.

-Of course.

-Thank -you very much for your.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah.

-We had fun.

-We had lots of lots of fun.

-I want to finish -athletically strong, -have a good nutrition plan -and have something left -for the end of the race, -particularly that stretch.

-It's been so soul -crushing in past years -and not cramping up.

-And looking forward mostly -to being with my friends -and being in community -and just -having fun -and being the best -I can be.

-We've had sunny 70 degree -days.

-We've had days that were 34 -degrees and raining.

-There's -been ice in the course, there's been snow in the course, there's been a lot of loose -dirt roads, you name it.

-It's, -it's happened on the A72.

-It's a real mental test -to get through.

-That is for sure.

-I'm back -showing up to a gravel race -like the Overland -Race Petites, -where world class -professionals are showing up.

Definitely adds -a feeling of nervousness -about it, -because the bar -has been raised.

-Yes, that's where I want it.

-I do aim higher -than my realistic station.

-I've put a lot of emotional -energy into the sport -and it's cost me plenty, -so I'm motivated to do well, -do you do sports?

-One person?

-You know.

-The reputation -for rasped stuff -is that it's really tough.

-You guys are amazing.

-Quite like this one.

-I am intimidated -to ride it.

-You never know -what is coming at you.

-You don't know if it's going -to take you three hours.

-You don't know if it's going -to take you eight hours.

-And so there's -that mental endurance -of being able to continue on -and keep pushing -when you're alone -and when you're in a group.

-When?

-I got the other problem.

-Problem.

-Roxy and I talked -about the mindset -that you have to be an to do -something really difficult -because instead of -anticipating -this suffer fast, -or anticipating -having burning quads -or side stitch, -it's really focusing on -what's going well, -feeling -good about my body and -how it is performing.

But.

-Really not to have this.

-Of course, -the positive mindset, -especially when you hit that -30 to 40 mile marker, -that's when it becomes -even more critical -to just eliminate -any negative thought, -because it's so easy -to give up.

-But for.

-It's up -to the kids, -daughters, and folks, -if you're young at -heart, this one's for you.

-Great work.

-Can you can.

-Maybe -not in a celebratory mood.

-I don't know, -but I think we've allowed.

-Have the after party -do our best -right?

-Organizing clothes and food.

-That.

-Tell me.

-Make the good times -roll around here.

-But I was dead -by the time we hit pink on -that last big.

That.

-Yeah, yeah.

-And it was just back -and forth.

-But the people on the tandem -eventually I wanted -to pass them at the end.

-Yeah, I think tandems are -are weird.

-I mean hats off to people -who ride them.

Yeah.

-But no two people -should get along that well.

There's something weird about that.

I think tandems are great.

-Like right -after you have your wedding -and then the two of you -get on a tandem -and in your wedding garb, -you take your picture.

-Yeah.

That's -the only time it should be.

-And you -should be on a tandem.

-The rest -petites, always reminds me -that I'm not as strong -as I think I am.

-Yeah, -I needed to get comfortable -with longer distances, -get comfortable climbing -a lot, get comfortable -managing my nutrition -and my gear.

-In the months -after my return from Iraq -and I self-medicated -with alcohol, -the anger inside -was, in my own way, -my own attitude -about picking myself up -by my own bootstraps -was getting in the way.

-I sought help from the VA -in terms of counseling -and talk therapy.

-More recent years -have had more success.

Are you able to find anytime -even if it's a few minutes, -just to Do Not disturb?

Yes or no?

I'm very I'm very lucky in that regard.

I've got an so I can shut the door and my colleagues are really respectful about get outside my own head and be more in the moment -and focused on what I -needed.

-And getting the help.

-A lot of work I've -done relating to my PTSD -anxiety disorder -and work with the VA -put me in better -touch with myself as well.

-If this if it doesn't -come out of there, -we can drill -through these menus -and wanting -to take care of myself -and thinking about, -I guess, racing bicycles, -being more connected -with my body, -turning 50 and realizing -I didn't have -all that much time left.

-That's all you know, right?

-I've been reading -about transition -since the internet -was available to me in 1995.

-I imagined that for myself -from the get go.

-I was not the least -bit nervous.

-I was looking forward to it.

-I completed gender -reassignment surgeries -in 2019 2021.

-The results were -as I hoped for.

-I was happy with the results.

It cost me in terms of -personal relationship -with my partner, who could not move past the physical pieces, the emptional piece.

-No, I was not -ready for that, or in spite -of what I saw as decent -preparation -and mental planning, -I plunged full speed ahead.

-I wanted it so bad that I -probably didn't -consider her enough.

-So I'm sure I didn't end.

You know, I certainly knew that I could have Sarah or I could have my transition.

-I wasn't going to get both -right.

-I think I knew that -at a gut level and could not -confront myself.

-Things are not going to be -as originally planned, -so it's hard to -to worry about the future.

-Whether or not I will be -loved, whether or not I care.

We can rely.

I can recall that we can rely on each other whether or not, I'll had -that special person -in my life.

-I'm sorry -you're going through this.

-My partner, -does not want to be -part of this filming.

-She had a vision of herself, -of being married to a man, -her whole life.

-Had she had plans -about marriage to a man.

When we got together, she was aware that I was a closeted transvestite.

-And I put it at the time.

-But she did not regard me -as transgender.

-And I knew that I was.

-How the process was for me -was a lot of turn of asking permission -and hoping that my partner -would accept me and, -hope that that my partner -would continue to love me -when I did these things.

-Facial feminization surgery -was for me -to see a more female face -in the mirror.

Yesterday.

The costumes, just check the box.

-The plan is going to be bra -lift right -in front of your hairline.

-Yeah.

-Reduce the, bone -over the ridges.

Yeah right.

-We're not going to touch -the nose.

Right?

-We're going to add some fake -fat to the cheeks, and we're going to set the chin back a little bit -so that all sound -about right.

Yep.

-That's consistent with my -my plan okay.

All right.

When we slide the chin back -we secure it with -plates and screws.

-We're only going to go back -a few millimeters okay.

-But there's always -a risk of that -not healing together.

-But it's usually -pretty good.

Yep.

-Other risks -for cosmetic outcome.

-Don't like the way it looks.

-I can't guarantee -all the dysphoria goes away with the procedure.

So we always put persistent dysphoria.

Okay and the usual things -like pain, bleeding, -infection, scarring.

-We try to limit that -as much as possible.

-Yep.

Okay, -okay, I understand all I do.

OK.

So much.

Right.

-We'll be out -and take care of you -and you're down and out.

-Okay?

-Show cost a dollar more.

-Okay.

-When I came out first, -I had to come out -to my partner.

Felt exciting, terrifying.

-Everything at once.

-Like, -oh, what did I just do?

It felt like asking for permission for the longest time.

-Like, please, world, let me -come out and be this thing.

-I'm a good person -and society.

-I'm paying the taxes.

-Let me come out, be myself.

-Look what life -I've got left.

-Here for a ten digit.

-Okay.

Oh, so -this mature -on this side.

-Okay, okay.

-You're just pulling -all the way down -so it goes into.

-Here -Okay.

-Here.

Oh.

Well done.

-All right.

Yeah.

Take care.

-Don't worry about.

-Nice to meet you.

-Get in here.

-All right, -all right, go get Roxie.

-Great job.

Thank you.

-Graduations.

-Talk to you soon.

-Rest up.

Do healthy.

-Take care.

-Yes.

We'll be in touch.

All right.

You guys feel like you're good for now?

-For her?

My mother passed away in late September.

-My mother was very sick.

Her illness was also affecting my father quite a bit.

-He misses her, but -he has expanded his world.

-Of course, -my dad is conservative, -but he's at least kind.

-He's made an effort -to reach out and show -his love in his own way.

-Not ready yet, which is -through acts of service.

-He's made the effort.

-We did 40 miles gravel -did a sort of figure eight.

-Recently -my father had to have -a medical procedure -and needed someone with him.

So I went and he introduced me to the nursing staff -as his daughter -and the doctors -as his daughter.

-Oh, I had -to get used to the fact that -I guess trans was becoming -a lot more common.

-I had more problem -accepting it with my own, -daughter than I would have -in the general community.

-I'm going to say 4747 has -got to be up to 68 or 69.

Oh, I see it changes according to no, you're right, it is 45.

-I was reading it wrong -roughly.

Yeah.

-My wife and I lost, Roxy's, -brother back in -87, and we.

-So I certainly didn't -want to lose contact -with Roxy as well.

-So that made me work -harder to accept.

-When my father used -the proper name -and pronouns, -it felt very validating.

-My father's acceptance -as his daughter -is something -that I've been waiting for.

-For more than four years.

-You have -to care for them.

Yep.

The two surgeries -I had over the past winter -created a deficit.

-I haven't been able -to build the base -that I wanted to build.

-And now the overland -is suddenly upon us.

-In the money, -onion, brass fatigues -and a number of rides -leading up to it, I felt -behind the eight ball a bit.

I kept going, I did not have the fitness, -but I could tell myself that I was doing my level best -to build it back because there is no better -training -for races than racing.

-Roxy takes her goals -very seriously -and she gets a lot -of understanding -from the community, as I think -that's what she needs -and has been looking for -in the midst -of all this adversity.

-I plan on surviving Oakland -as best I can.

-And I'm going to go into -it as prepared as I can, -but I'm not ready for any -races this year -as well as I want to be done.

-But what can you expect -is to push yourself to -your limit psychologically -and physically?

-The mindset you need -is never give up.

-Just keep pushing yourself.

-If you can keep paddling -and keep moving the bicycle, -you can keep going.

The day before the overland, I was wondering -if I'd prepared enough, -if I'd written enough.

And I don't know that I can ever write enough or prepare enough.

-Yeah, it's like I just say -every circus needs a tent.

-I felt nervous excitement, -as well as expectations -about how the day would go.

-And hopes that -the weather would be good -and that -I would be strong and fast.

-Roxy Pro -Badia, that's such a fun.

-Thank you.

Here's -your number for the event.

-Help yourself -to some of those zip ties -and then help yourself -to some stickers.

And we have pocket maps that I recommend taking as well.

-Okay.

-And thank you -for volunteering.

-Of course, -to have you in here.

-Yeah, it'll be a fun -weekend.

Yeah.

-I get to meet a lot of cool -people.

-Yeah, -that's always the best part.

-Yeah.

-For this iteration -of the Vermont Overland, -I am number 58.

-I wish more of my friends -were there.

-It felt a little bit lonely.

-It felt like there wasn't -quite the same vibe -as previous years.

-For the past 200 plus, I think I really that tornado touched down and there's trees down everywhere.

I said that, -you know, nobody was hurt.

-So yeah, -I think the most important.

-I'm deeply, -very lonely lately, -lacking some physical touch -in my life.

Being in the group with my friends or being in that event -with like minded people, -connects me to them -in a small way.

-I. I get nervous -and there there are.

-You.

Get out.

-Your hair looks great.

-Thanks.

How's yours?

-I got to go.

Okay.

-There's a picture.

-Yeah.

-I've been at races where -I didn't know many people, -and that's harder.

-But I still do them -and try to enjoy them.

-But I really like connecting with my group and my friend group -and seeing the familiar -faces.

-!And it's helping Shimano with me, yeah.

I'd love to see you.

I'm hurting for people to hang out with and grab -the surveillance here.

-It's just like this -on this extreme.

-Like it's -very nice campsite.

-Thank you, -thank you.

Yeah.

-We'll talk to each other -late at night.

-You know, -so that little kids -that want to outside -and PTSD, anxiety -are like brick walls -when it comes to love.

-Sometimes -because she's had so much -trauma, if something happens -completely unrelated to her, -she thinks, what did I do?

-She can't see -the whole picture.

-It's not over yet.

You'll love me.

-Bloody hell.

No!

-Kids.

-Little debris -I can clean off.

-So I'll lubricate the chain -of a spot.

-Lubricate, -lubricate -these pivot points.

-I could have taken these -jockey wheels apart as well.

-2023 10th edition -of the Great New England -Gravel Event.

-I never built no fortune -favors.

-Foolish.

-I think those final tweaks -to your bike fretting a little more about what fruit you're going to put in your pockets, what liquid -you put in your bottle.

-Come hour four of a race.

-My stomach's like, -I need something -easy on the palate.

-Oh, there's Bernie.

Bernie!

-Like, how was that?

-Two beers.

Woo woo woo.

-I was here, I was like, oh, -I was home in my bed.

-Hey, look at this.

-And they didn't know it was here.

-And we are just -about an hour and 15 minutes from the start of the monologue -on one hour and 15 minutes.

7,000 feet of climbing and seven -sections of flat four -Road, Vermont, pervades -those sections are technical -and do require -your utmost attention.

-We have a thousand riders -signed up -for the 10th edition -of Vermont over one.

-Hundred without.

-Medical.

-Less than 15 minutes -to start.

The.

-This is the final, -final call for over an hour.

-We're at.

-This year's a great year.

-Oh, yeah.

-We're going.

Whoa!

55 miles, 7000ft of vertical.

-Come on, -everyone on points.

-I've got all this time.

-This 5 or 6 hours.

-This period of time.

-Right.

-Half to use properly.

-Invariably, -your mind drifts.

-The dark place that comes up -are all kinds -of negative things -hurt from my past?

-Ghosts from the Iraq war.

-What is my why?

-Goes back -to using my bicycle -to escape the bullets.

-That time, -my mother told me that -I wasn't -going to be good at cycling -because -I didn't have a bikers body.

-It's a combination -of running from something, -running to something, -knowing -that I have the ability -to be better.

-That's where getting.

-Right fast.

-Right?

Strong -and ride proud.

I am constantly coaching myself -on the bicycle, -and I've worked on -my self-talk -for a lot of reasons.

-I talk to myself like -I would talk to a friend -who is struggling -in a race like, -okay, you can do this.

Don't quit.

-Just keep paddling.

-Don't worry about the fact -that those six people -just passed you.

-Just be proud of yourself, -but keep pushing yourself.

-You can.

You can move -this bicycle faster.

-You can move your body.

-You can keep yourself safe.

-And you can finish.

-That voice has changed -over the years.

-Having served in -the military and been around -sort of the negative hammer -in my life, -the negative reinforcement -that voice has become more -like a friend talking to me -and not some angry -drill sergeant trying -to command me -to get the f up this hill.

-My second win.

Now.

-Now 38.

And.

-I've had a number of cases -where I've slipped -into drill sergeant, -screaming at myself.

-And when that happens, -I feel heavier -and I feel negative about it -and question why I'm doing this.

-If I can't stay positive -and and try to enjoy myself -every minute, -be in the moment -and these moments -at some point -will all be gone.

-And then.

-We find out -you here.

Four more.

-Yeah.

I.

-Oh my God, that was awful.

It was brutal.

-It was slow -and it was brutal.

-That's -what's going on this year.

-I just don't quite -have the speed.

-And, I like to slow down, -so it's -definitely a weight penalty.

-I feel -like the course was designed -to be -brutal for brutality sake.

-It, wasn't a lot of fun, -but it was beautiful and scenic.

-But it was just hard.

-This is stupid.

Why do I do this?

-I don't know, -but I keep signing up.

-I don't know.

-Maybe I should start doping.

-I have no idea.

If I could afford to dope, -I'd buy a nicer bike.

-I'm reaping the reward -of having done it.

-I'm going to change clothes.

-Okay?

-Garbage in sweatpants.

-This is my.

-Oh, it is the physical -contest -that I choose to engage -in to test myself.

-You set up -certain expectations about -what the event will be, -and if they don't meet -your expectations, there's, -a palpable sense -of disappointment.

Yeah, I mean I certainly felt relief.

-Also, there's a hint -of sadness that like, okay, -this experience is over, -that overland -will never happen again.

-Of course.

-I have been afraid -my whole life.

-But I've done some brave -things.

Now.

-And if I do nothing else.

-I've done this for myself.

-I remember a moment, -and I think February, -when I walked -past a mirror.

Or.

-Something caught -my attention -and I stopped and turned around.

I went back to the mirror and I looked at it and it occurred to me -that was the first moment.

-And I'll never forget it, -where I'm like, -I'm a woman.

-I'm a woman.

Now.

-That was the first moment -when I saw it, -and I really believed that.

-The feeling inside was a -little bit like coming home.

-With joy and, -Yeah, yeah.

-Sense of completion.

-You're to do that?

Yeah.

-I'll start with -this on your back, -and I'll use your -cutting board here.

-The bittersweetness is that I know that's not the direction -that some people I care -about very much wanted.

-So there's some sadness -with that, -but there's a great deal -of happiness.

-Here we go.

Roxy.

-Storm, storm.

-I am the storm.

-Nation to nation.

-Because I want love.

-And I put love -into the world.

I think it would be nice to get it back for who I am.

-Ready?

Yay!

There we go.

-Here.

-I know that, -you know, the road -doesn't end here.

-One more child -crying in the morning.

-One more road to rise.

-Come break a strong -heartbeat in my child's -cheeks.

-Red.

My legs are burning.

-One more hill to climb for.

-Are you gone?

-Country girl.

-Sea riding -round the mountain.

-Angry world -kept that picture.

-Oh wait.

-Countless precious lives.

-Lived in quiet isolation.

-Waiting on the break -of safer day.

-So one more hill to climb -in the morning.

-One more road to rise.

-Come, break us down.

-Mud up to my knees.

Hard one.

-The rain keeps pouring me -one more love to keep from going round.

-One more hill -to climb in the morning.

-One more road to rise.

-Can't break.

-Good on reaching that crest.

Descend.

The wind will bring -one more hill to climb.

-Come right along.